Dreams Cost Money, But Money Costs Some Dreams

Last Night I Had the Best Night

2012-02-12T13:44:00.003-07:00

So, in honour of that?

I want to write a blog post entitled "things that make my life hard"! It will be told in the form of a list. Because god knows, I love lists. And hate proper capitalization. Except for in my blog -- approximately 98% of the time anyway. because other people have to read it.

anyway

THINGS THAT MAKE MY LIFE HARD

1) I cannot stop biting my nails. I know it takes a long time to break a habit, blah blah blah, I know they look gross and I know having my fingers in my mouth IS gross. But the only thing that stops me is painting my nails! And then the nail polish starts to chip and then I'm like "Oooh, this nail is uneven, I should fix it with my mouth" or I'm like "Hah, you think you're so long and strong nail, I'll show you!!" and aaaaauuuugh. So. I'm working on that. But it's annoying and difficult.

2) My job. I actually quite like it. I get to travel around to various rail yards and talk to people and show them things and learn things and learn about people. So that is cool! However:

2a) I am out of town for 4 days out of 7 days every week. And currently I work Thursday-Friday-Saturday-Sunday. Which is making it awful hard to have a life. You know how normal people can, like, go out and visit with their friends and run errands when they get done work? It is not so for me. Because I am in some random other city or town or rail station in the middle of nowhere when I am done work. Boourns.

2b) My work makes me think I am exceptional when actually I am just an exception. (Ie: the only girl in the yard) Sadly, I am not exceptional which means it's a rather crushing fall to earth when I return to the real world and realize that I am not Angelina Jolie. Hell, I can't even stop biting my nails. SIGH.

3) My personal computer is effed. Before? the battery would not hold a charge. And then on Wednesday pm, the wall adapter stopped working. So now said computer has no way of recieving power. so it is time for a new computer.

But I don't waaaaant a new computer! It's so much work to transfer things! And I don't remember how to transfer my itunes from one computer to the next! And and... look at point 2a)!! (I like how all this issues are connecting together nicely.)

4) I have a lot of beautiful clothes. And shoes. But they are heavy and it is hard to drag them across the country. So I always end up wearing the same things. I am a hobo.

5) I think I know how to find places so I drive without directions and then I get lost. Sometimes on the way to work. And then I tell people. Embarrassing.

6) I suck at responding to emails. And texts. And facebook messages. Ergo, I am the worst friend ever. But I am so lonely!

7) I am a blogging failure because I have no mandate. I just write random crap that comes into my head and expect people to read it. Because I am exceptional. (See point 2b.)

8) I like a guy. AND THIS MAKES ME SO ANGRY! I did not set out to like this guy. It is very inconvenient for me to do so. He kind of sends me mixed signals. And when I get "hurt", it is going to be all my own fault and it is going to be very annoying and no one is going to want to listen to my patheticness but OMG I REALLY SORT OF LIKE HIM. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh.

9) I am not a set designer.

10) In the Ugly Betty analogy of my own life that I invented, I am the Amanda which is really not something to be proud of.

GAH. GUY. fhagjahalkt! (that is how to spell the sound I just made)

I am Rachel Berry. I do want everything too much.

Stream of Consciousness Inspired by Ahi Tuna

2011-12-20T14:46:00.000-07:00

Ahi tuna isn’t good for you? I kinda assumed it was. Because it is just tuna. And tuna is fish. And fish is good for you, right? Aren’t we always encouraged to eat more fish except for that time where we weren’t because people were afraid of mercury poisoning… which I think is a fear that has gone away? I dunno. I just know I eat a loooooot of fish while I am travelling. Mostly cuz I’m probably going to be tempted to have a burger or something equally insane at the restaurants if I don’t get fish and I always assume the fish is better for me.

I miss the enforced walking all day that came with working at Earls. And also the never starting work until 10:45 at the earliest. However, I probably don’t miss the actual serving or the relying on tips.

I am tired. Very tired. Ergo I am insane. I suspect I slept all of two hours last night. I almost fell over when I got out of bed this morning. Stupid brain would not turn off in order to allow me to fall into sleep mode – it was almost like when I was going to Queen’s again! Ridiculous! And I kept hoping it would kick in, so I didn’t even try my usual sleepytime tea remedy…. Well, also because I have a fear of hot beverages so I would have to make the tea and then allow it to cool enough to drink it and then drink it and that would result in me being OUT of bed for, like, an hour and, really, nobody wants that at 2 am.

Mmmmm, stream of consciousness!!

Last night while I was trying to sleep and failing, I wondered if I stopped contacting people (other than my family because they are hard to avoid), how long it would be before anyone noticed. You know when you go through phases where you feel like you are constantly the one who is reaching out and suggesting and initiating and if you didn’t do that, there would be nothing there?

I think a lot about that episode of Glee where Rachel is talking to Puck on the bleachers and she says “I want everything too much”.

And then you realize that you want everything too much and you become very very conscious of trying to dial it back. And it’s everything or nothing. And it’s too much either way. And you are insane.

I spent a lot of time trying very very hard not to be the crazy girl. SPEND?? But maybe I am. And maybe if I embrace that, the crazy becomes endearing?
Or MAYBE I should just sleep at night like a normal person. Hurrah!

But probably? I will take a nap after work and then stay up until stupid-o-clock watching the first season of Ugly Betty on DVD.

Things I Think Are Romantic....

2011-11-30T15:31:00.002-07:00

I don't really believe in Romance.

I think this is probably contrary to what people would expect of me, seeing as I love Disney, sparkles, purple, musicals, Taylor Swift, dresses -- all manners of stuff that lends itself to Romance.

But I don't. It's just the way it is.

Nobody does big gestures anymore and I'd probably be suspicious if they did. Standing on my lawn, holding a boom box? I'd be a little creeped out. And wonder where you managed to find a boom box. Setting up a birthday scavenger hunt of love and... I dunno... memories? I'd feel awkward and probably wonder what you did wrong.

However, I think not believing in Romance is probably a very sad and cynical way to live and so to prove myself wrong, I have endeavoured to create a list of things that I think are Romantic. Some of them are things that have happened to me, some are not, some are things that I've heard about or seen or whatever... we'll see what comes out of my fingers.

~ looping a scarf around my neck and then tugging on said scarf to pull me in for a kiss. this is something that happened to me once, just a tiny moment, but it is burned into my memory

~ calling your special lady or gentleman friend while on the way home very late at night to see if you can bring them food

~ responding to someone trying to push you over via leaning against you by kissing the top of their head

~ spooooooooning!! (this is a new development. I can't sleep if I'm hot so I used to hate cuddling)

~ laughing at one's hunger-induced bitchiness (after feeding one, obviously)

~ sneaklily arranging to pick your significant other up at the airport without them knowing (okay, that almost veers into the "big gestures" category...)

~ any game where the terms are "you win and I'll buy you a drink. I win and I get to kiss you". yes, I'm aware it's a total line, but I'm a sucker for showing interest and shit like that. bad lines always get me.

~ insisting you are the one to drive/share the driving when your special friend moves cross-country

~ random-ass text messages (I'm insane and love getting texted when I don't expect it)

~ "Come to my truck, I'll show you a song." this is a very very specific reference and I went back and forth a ton on including it, but, damn, if it wasn't romantic....

~ opening my beer for me, especially without me having to ask

~ sending a cab to my place to pick me up and bring me to your place because we've both been drinking and it's late and you don't want me wandering the streets in the dark -- another very specific reference and I cannot say more for fear of giving it away

...

I should change this to "Things I Think Are Incredible".

The Light is Different Here

2011-11-17T20:36:00.002-07:00

I was all set to write an entry about the versions of people I know versus the versions of them that I hear about... and then I took a drive. So that entry will be shelved and worked on another day.

Theoretically, my drive today was a means to an end - I wanted to go downtown to do some shopping on Yonge and Dundas, especially at the three story HMV and the gigantic bookstore. Things that I can't get back home, making the extra tax worthwhile. I took the route off the 401 that looped me along the Don Valley Parkway onto Bloor and then through to downtown to Yonge.

The Parkway loops along the side of a hill in a valley, there are these old stone and steel bridges criss-crossing the valley, there are trees and nature and warm autumn colours and I was struck with this incredible sense of euphoria and nostalgia. I know I've taken that route dozens of times before, but the strongest memory is of being sixteen and driving to Tarragon very early on a Saturday morning to interview for their young writers program.

Bloor loops through the older part of the city, so it's all rock and red brick and things that feel very Canadian and very solid. Eventually it migrates its way into city - though there are still old buildings and churches scattered throughout - and once you get to the Yonge area it's fully CITY with flashy lights and everything you see on MuchMusic. Toronto is a city, of course it is, but it's also a city that feels like it has roots. It's a city that goes deep, in a way that I never really felt in, say, Chicago or Edmonton.

The light is different here. In Calgary, the air is bright and sharp and crisp and clear. Here, it's warm (though not necessarily warmer) and golden and a little bit frosted over. It's not better or worse. Just different.

I love Calgary. I love living in Calgary. I love the art I'm making there and the art that's being made around me. I love the people in my life, old and new... in fact, some of the newest people are better than some of the old people.

But there is something unrelated inside me that makes me feel whole when I'm in Toronto. It's a different life, the path not taken, all of that cliched but utterly true stuff. I know I'd be someone different if I stayed here. But this week, being here has made me happy.

I tried to take some pictures to show how the light is different here, but I don't know if it reads. I also was sitting in the windowsill of the boardroom I currently work in and kept awkwardly jumping off of it and onto a table when I heard people on the stairs. (I really wanted to get some of the yard in the photos.) And there was a fly on my hand that could not fly. I don't know where it came from. It scared me.

You can see the yard a little in this one...

Awesome Things From This Summer That I Forgot About

2011-11-16T08:59:00.002-07:00

~ The time I had to accept the tshirt order while dressed like a fairy. way to be professional, weir.

~ Rojomo!!

~ That time I thought I had leprosy on my ankle because a big chunk of it magically went missing

~ the night that Claire and I went for martinis and had a variety of hilarious conversations that ended with me pretending to be an alcoholic and awkwardly eating olives (I believe this was in reference to the booze order for Full Circle's concession???)

~ when that camper's cousin called the Pumphouse box office the day after camp performance to give me his phone number... and I was impressed with his balls. his figurative ones. not his literal ones.

~ the various avocado related hi-jinks

~ "Do me, not coke." "Erin, do you understand what you just said?"

~ the time that I almost passed out on the floor of the office and actually allowed Kevin to be in charge for 15 minutes

~ the day that I was Batman

~ Claire and I being awkward all over Southern Ontario

Sigh. Best/worst summer EVER!

A Lament

2011-11-16T07:42:00.001-07:00

Ou est mon leggings? Ou est mon leggings!?

Okay. This is what I get for not actually packing before this business trip to TO and just thinking “ehhh… whatever I have in my suitcase will be enough to make outfits”. Apparently, even though I didn’t actually unpack between trips (whatever, don’t judge me, I was working on a show! I was very very busy!), I did take stuff out of my suitcase. And now I am legging-less, which actually cuts down on quite a few of the potential outfits I did bring.

And now I am stuck with three pairs of pants (and some sweats which are for the gym, not for wearing to work, thanks), two of which are too big. None of which can be worn with comfy shoes. And since every time I want to train any of the SOs or even just ask them when would be a good time to train them, I have to trek up four flights of stairs, that is a little bit heartbreaking.

I just want to wear my TOMS, guys! I just want my leggings!!

As you may be able to tell, it is a little bit of a slow day at work today. All the SOs are super-busy, so here I sit in a boardroom by myself, watching some railcars get humped out the window. (Yes, that is a real thing, thank you very much. One day I may explain it.) However, because I am a good employee, I have posted this blog post from my personal computer with my internet stick while on a mini-coffee break. Huzzah! Being professional and junk!

Sigh. I need to learn how to not live like a hobo out of my suitcase.

Covered By Lovers Who Recite Lines

2011-11-14T20:39:00.003-07:00

(Note: Auuuuugh! My entry was consumed by the interwebz again. This is an attempt to recreate myself.)

I am very tired. So very tired. So exhausted. Granted, this is my own fault for choosing to barely sleep over the past two days, so I suppose I can't really say anything. And it is too early to go to bed. So I blog.

Lately, I've been trying to really round out and expand my life slash choices. And my art. Just really improve and love myself, as cheesy as that may sound. That, and embracing my inner awesome-ness. And ignoring the fact that my brother told me that I apparently shouldn't call myself awesome. He says that if it's true, people'll figure it out.

Whatever. I'm awesome.

Awesome and very amused by so many things happening around me lately.

For instance, yesterday I won a $5000 scholarship to a "college of the Fine Arts" in Vancouver (on Hastings!) at the Taboo Sex Show. Of course I did. Claire and I were being sarcastic about how we had to pee while we were watching pole dancers but we'd wait for the drawing and "after we won" we'd go to the bathroom. And then our sarcasm was only rewarded with me actually winning. The people from the college were obviously not used to the people who won actually being there during the drawings because they just sort of awkwardly handed me a picture from with an ad for the drawing and said congrats a few times. Awesome.

The day before yesterday, Claire and I got massages that made us drunk. And then we threw up. But not together because that would be weird. The vomiting, I mean. Double awesome.

Also, the day before yesterday I closed a really amazing show that I created from the ground up with a group of really amazing people. I am just so proud of it and them and myself. It was precisely what I needed to remind myself that theatre is what I want in my life.

And that I'm willing to sacrifice things to do it.

I think it was really important to have that reminder. And to know that I should be aware of knowing what I want in all areas of my life. I think I may have lots sight of that in recent events. But theatre? I'll work 11 days of 12 hour shifts in a row and then take a week's "vacation" so I can work in the theatre in order to do a play, for sure. That's something I know that I love. Triple awesome.

Additionally, this is what I look like when I act:

In other news, I'm currently in the GTA for work right now and today I totally found my hotel by instinct. My GPS was having trouble contacting the satellite so I just drove out of the airport in the direction I thought it probably was and I found it!

And that is why I consider Ontario to be my second home.

Sigh. I love life right now.

(Note: The original incarnation of this entry was better. I will learn for tomorrow.)

Hostile Mass

2011-08-23T22:19:00.002-06:00

"She saw him gushing blood from wide open wounds and she decided that she loved him" ~ Hostile Mass, The Hold Steady

Crazy or no, I suspect all the things i said on Sunday might still stand.

Though. I am still sick and still a little loopy.

And I still find vomit vaguely amusing especially because it has decided to be quite a presence in my life lately.

Stupid Sick

2011-08-23T08:44:00.004-06:00

Soooo... apparently Sunday make me insane. And melancholy.

Shut up, Peyton.

(Though, in my defense... I didn't realize it at the time but I was on the cusp of getting stupid sick. So that could explain some of the mood. That and wine.)

I think this is turning less into a blog and more into a recepticle of digital thought vomit. Which is fine, but I should probably stop advertising it for other people to read if I'm just going to throw up emo emotions all over it.

But, in an attempt to reclaim it, here are some quotes I apparently recorded this summer that I thought were amusing!

~*~*~

Kevin: Stalkers may like you. But they’re still stalkers. Doesn’t mean they like you any less... but they’re STALKERS.

Kevin: He’s like the opposite of a stalker...

Kevin: I make my own bed!
Me: You don’t have a bed!

Kevin: Here’s how I know I’m at your house and not Mom’s house. I’m taking this apart like this. (stabs soda box with a knife)
Me: Why aren’t you using scissors?
Kevin: (stares)

Kevin: Someday I’ll write in my blog. Some days I don’t feel like it. I never really feel like it. I hate my blog.

Me: Eh. Kevin is indifferent to most things.

Bryan: Fruit flavoured fruit drink, made of fruit??

Me: I bought actual Apple Cinnamon Cheerios, not just whatever is in the box.

Me: Nooooooo! It’s late and I don’t understand what’s happening in this conversation. I’m hanging up on this text messaging.

Kevin: I was writing a short story... and then I got too scared to open the garage door.
Me: You scared yourself with the story you were writing?
Kevin: It happens.

Mom: So, Alli’s 24 now –
Me: That’s how old I am!
Mom: She’s actually 24.
Me: ... My birthday isn’t until October?

~*~*~

Logan: OMG! You shot Ryan She-crest!

Bryson: Ewww... the paper’s all sweaty.

Me: Who iiiiiis... first in charge? Of the camp.
Kids: MIKE!!!
Me: What? No, me!

A Million Kids: What flavour is the blue drink?
Kiana: Blue.
Kids: But what flavour?
Kiana: Blue!
Kids: Blue is a not a flavor!
Kiana: According to superstore, it is!

Kevin: How many times did you throw up yesterday?
Me: Well... six. But it was only tea!
Kiana: Oh my god, Erin, that's not okay!
Me: Eh. It happens.
Kiana: Don't eat the avocado!
Me: But it's so delicious!
Kiana: Don't eat it!
Me: I'm gonna do it!!!!

...

Begin the post with vomit, end it with vomit?

I'm gonna go continue lying on the floor of the office and being sick....

Song Lyric Sunday: Motorcyle Drive By

2011-08-21T22:05:00.003-06:00

It's been almost a month since I wrote here. Eh. It happens. Today was my first day off since August started so, really, it's to be expected. My next day off will be August 30, when I fly to Ontario for almost a week of vacation.

I keep thinking today is Saturday and I am going to be very sadly disappointed when I have to wake up and go to work tomorrow. I went out almost right after work on Friday and stayed up way way too late that night and then proceeded to work all day at Earls on Saturday so... anyway. It happens.

But I guess I should acknowledge what day it actually is and do a Song Lyric Sunday or something like that.

So. I have two clips this week, actually, from the same song.

Sleeping on the couch
When I came to visit you
That's when I knew
That I could never have you
I knew that before you did
Still I'm the one who's stupid

...

This is our last time
We'll be friends again
I'll get over you

~ Motorcyle Drive By, Third Eye Blind

I think I often give the impression that my song lyric sunday choices relate directly to what is going on in my life at that very moment.

Today's doesn't, really.

I mean, I guess it does in some way because how can something not when it has resonance for you but it's not direct. Mostly because this particular song has had a stupid amount of resonance for the past year. Stephan Jenkins was writing about a particular girl, of course, but there is something in this song that speaks about the ultimate futility and fatality of relationships. And loneliness.

Maybe it's just me because I don't trust anyone but don't you always know from the beginning?

And recently there was someone who told me that I trusted him. But I don't. Not really.

Session Three Almost Killed Me

2011-08-02T22:35:00.003-06:00

Session Three is always killer. It's a whole mix of things - the summer-long people are tired (but not insane yet, like they are in session four, so there is no insanity to carry through), there are new counselors coming in, the session is one day shorter than normal ones.... I dunno. It's killer.

This session three we have some pretty awesome kids, though, so maybe this year will be different. (Except... no year is ever different. It's like how I say that every session two will be different and then I get sick anyway.)

~*~*~

So, two things:

The first is that I slept like shit last night. That is why I do not have high hopes for Session Three.

I'm house-sitting for my parents and the room I was sleeping in was really really hot. So I brought a fan in, but then it was loud and I thought that was why I couldn't sleep so I turned it off but then I was hot so I turned it back on and then it was 3 am.

And then I kept having crazy dreams about men with burned faces and being a slut. The two were not related. In the burned faces dreams, Chloe and Audrey were running the camp (though... out of my bedroom??) and creepy ass men with burned faces/demon faces kept appearing in their line ups. So that was scary. And in the slut dreams, I kept seducing roommates. As in seducing one guy and then going across the hall to seduce his roommate. Way to be, Dream!Erin.

How I wish I knew how to interpret dreams.

~*~*~

Driving past a random mountain in BC on Monday afternoon and listening to Matt Nathanson, I realized what I want.

I really really don't want to want what I want. To the point that I'm willing to run away so hopefully I'll forget about wanting it.

Shitty.

Song Lyric Sunday: The Curve of the Earth

2011-07-24T22:39:00.003-06:00

I always forget what a bad friend I turn into in the summer time. Pumphouse always takes up a lot of my life (even more so now that I'm coordinator), this year I'm still working at Earls (usually on Saturdays, usually for a 10 hour shift because I'm a sucker for helping them out) and there are only so many nights in the week... I can't keep up with everyone. If someone texts or calls or FBs me during the day (aka when I am busy entertaining small children) I can guarantee you I will read the message, tuck my phone away and immediately proceed to forget about it for at least 24 hours.

Yep. Worst friend ever. Now that I've conquered my yearly Session Two illness, my next goal is to conquer that. I will do my very best not to suck.

However, I can't guarantee not sucking will align with blogging. Something's gotta give, right? But I will do my best...

And in the meantime? Another Song Lyric Sunday!!

In honour of his new CD, I've been listening to a lot of Matt Nathanson:

Tell me does he look like me at all
Cuz they're all an awful lot like you
~ The Curve of the Earth, Matt Nathanson

At the job which I cannot quit and no longer want to, I recently said (while sitting at the bar and enjoying free margaritas - yay for picking up extra shifts and getting rewarded!) that I think you keep falling for your first love over and over again.

The conversation was obstainably about my penchant for guys who apparently look like they should walk around like Preying Mantises all the time. (What can I say? I've noted it many times, I like tall lanky guys. I walked out of Tropic Thunder with an absolutely huge crush on Jay Baruchel.) I mean, guys who look like my very first ex haven't been the rule, per say, there have been a few exceptions... but only a few. Namely, one blonde and one guy who was only two inches taller than me. The lines in the song struck me while I drove home from that conversation.

Of course, it's more than just physical appearance and I think the second line speaks to that. It's not that I want to date the same guy I dated when I was seventeen, but there are some patterns that repeat. I'm starting to think that I honestly thrive by feeling like I'm just working as hard as I can to keep my head above water in relationship drama. Not that I'm causing drama where there shouldn't be any, but I don't run away when it's being thrown at me or drowning me. I fall for guys that I feel like I need to save - crossroads in their life or dealing with something big or... because if I'm saving them, it doesn't matter if I'm messy too.

Also. I always seem to fall for guys who constantly try to teach me things.

Yep. They're all an awful lot like you.

An Update...

2011-07-24T00:23:00.002-06:00

Me: Did you get me a double cheeseburger?

Bryan: They didn't have a cheeseburger!

Me: Yes they do! You just say "can I have a cheeseburger?" and they give it to you!

Bryan: But it wasn't on the menu!

Everyone else: ......

I'm Making This My Blog Post!

2011-07-24T00:01:00.001-06:00

A conversation:

Me: I want to go to bed.

Kevin: Then why don't you go to bed?

Me: I have a cheeseburger coming!!

Kevin: What about the no cheeseburger rule?

Me: That is only for children!

Things That Touch Your Soul

2011-07-21T23:47:00.000-06:00

"They met as kids. He was angry and angsty. She was a damned good dancer. I'll be damned if they didn't disappear. Wandered out of mass one day and faded into the fog and love and faithless fear." ~ Craig Finn

... goddamn, I love this band...

Just To Remember...

2011-07-12T00:05:00.000-06:00

"When people tell you who they are, believe them."

- Dr. Maya Angelou

Oops! A Semi-Poor Choice

2011-07-11T22:08:00.002-06:00

But not a fun one. And not nearly on par with the poor choices I usually make.

Basically, I decided to take a teeny tiny nap because I've worked a lot of days straight and much earlier than I normally work (during the year I waitressed, so I started work at 11:30 am (10:45 at the earliest) and now I start work at 7:30 am (7:45 at the latest),sooo...). And then I slept past the time I was going to wake up. So then I decided that a reasonable way of dealing with that problem was to stay asleep and wake up tomorrow morning at my normal time - it would be less than twelve hours, so totally reasonable especially accounting for how sleep deprived I was.

And then I had a dream about kissing someone so hard that your teeth bang against each other.

And then it was 9:30 pm and I woke up.

And I may be screwed for the rest of the night.

~*~*~

But tomorrow I get to teach shop! (Which means hanging out in the shop and listening to music.) And I get to be a fairy! So it will be more than okay.

Song Lyric Sunday: Wounded

2011-07-10T21:44:00.002-06:00

Well, here we are on another Song Lyric Sunday. And today I went out and drank wine in the rain, so this one should be extra intruiging and sassy-frassy and whatnot!

On Wednesday morning my car got broken into in the alley behind my condo (which I usually NEVER park in, cuz we have a parking spot but Bryan parked there that night) and my ipod was stolen and though I was Batman on that day, it was a very sad day. And so I did not write any journal entries for a couple of days because I was very sad.

I still do not have a new Ipod because I have been decision-making but I will probably get one tomorrow. And then I will no longer be sad. But I will also no longer be Batman. Because the camper who lent me the Batman costume took it home.

Anyway! It is Song Lyric Sunday! Hooray!

Lyrics:

And you used to speak so easy
Now you're afraid to talk to me
It's like walking with the wounded
Carrying that weight way too far
The concrete pulled you down so hard
Out there with the wounded
Missing you
Well I never claimed to understand what happens after dark

~ Wounded, Third Eye Blind

To start: I freaking love Third Eye Blind. There is so much more to them than Semi-Charmed Kinda Life (which people always forget is about crystal meth and cocaine and all the things that you try to use to get life) and Jumper (which is about... well, everyone knows what Jumper is about). Stephan Jenkins can be a little pretentious (I have the greatest hits album and some of his descriptions about why he selected certain songs for the album are hilarious) but, damn, can he write lyrics.

And, really, I listen to songs for the lyrics.

Wounded... is about a lot of things, really. Jenkins wrote it for a particular friend, but some things are universal and some things really hit home in regards to specific situations for me. Third Eye Blind argues that it is one of their best songs. I didn't fully appreciate it until recently.

But today, in particular, I'm thinking about truth. And how certain truths bind you to someone at the exact time they push you away from them. Well... truths and secrets. And a particular secret that I told someone who I'm still not sure if I should have rather than my very best friends - and it changed things. And I'm still not sure if it was fair to them. And suddenly my impulses and my instincts have changed... and I just don't know. Wounded doesn't have any answers, only encouragement.

And I'm being called out to drink more wine in the rain, so I am going to go.

I have to work at 7:30 again tomorrow, I might as well have some fun.

Day Two

2011-07-05T22:21:00.003-06:00

Day Two was better than Day One. There's always all sorts of crazy issues when things are new and unstable (which I will definitely forget two weeks from now) so I feel less like I'm drowning. (Drowning is not to be confused with lost. Lost will only end when I am no longer Peyton Sawyer... so when I am no longer blonde? Whatever.)

~*~*~

Today I said, more times than I could count, "That's great, but movies are not tv shows."

However, the quote of the day is: "Rape is never okay. Even when it's sexy rape." Just something to keep in mind.

~*~*~

Matt Nathanson has a new CD. It's called Modern Love. My brother and I purchased it from HMV today. Will it make me cry?

Only time will tell.

Bridesmaids made me cry. Frigging Bridesmaids. Yeah, I know, I have issues. So... chances are high, friends. Chances are high.

Nobody Wants To Be Peyton

2011-07-04T22:27:00.003-06:00

Well. I just read over my entry from yesterday and though everything I said still stands and is still valid... oh my god.

As many of you may know, I adore the tv show One Tree Hill. When I grow up, I want to Be Brooke Davis. (Or maybe I just want to be Sophia Bush. Minus the marrying someone who'll cheat on you with Paris Hilton and then a 19 year old. Because she is beautiful and philantrophic and amazing.)

But that last entry was very much not Brooke Davis. It was filled with all sorts of shades of Peyton. All I needed was some crappy emo artwork. "Blah blah blah, I feel lost, blah blah blah, people always leave..." Shut up, Peyton!! You get Jake.

Guys. No one wants to be Peyton. I'm way more awesome than that. I've gotta work harder to Be Brooke Davis. (Which perhaps means I need to get stupid more. Which means I need more social time. And friends who live remotely near me.)

So. That's my next plan. Be more freaking awesome.

~*~*~

In other news, I wore the same shirt as one camper today and the same shoes as another. Awesome. I have the same fashion taste as a thirteen year old....

~*~*~

Also, I kind of want Lauren Conrad's new hair. But it might have to wait until I discover if I get this grownup job I'm interveiwing for or not.

Song Lyric Sunday: Suspended

2011-07-03T19:29:00.002-06:00

(Note: I wrote a terribly lovely and vunerable post. And then the internet went insane and it went missing. This an attempt to re-create it.)

Damn, I gave myself good writing prompts a year ago... (Or totally self-indulgent writing prompts? Eh, it could go either way. And aren't blogs by their very nature totally self-indulgent?)

I like Song Lyric Sundays because they give me a chance to ramble about why I like certain artists. Apparently I liked Tyler Hilton's music because I'm a sucker for tall, lanky guys. Awesome. That's not at all shallow.

Anyway. Today I want to talk about "Suspended" by Matt Nathanson whom I had never actually seen before I googled him to find that website so I like him for decidedly less shallow reasons than Mr. Hilton. Though. He does look kind of tall in those pictures...

I've only ever listened to Beneath These Fireworks, mostly because his other albums aren't available in Canada, but it makes me want to sob my face off sometimes. I may be completely off-base here, but I feel like this album is a song cycle, all of the songs are about the same girl. And being in the place where I am right now, I feel like I could so easily be that girl. (In the way that everyone identifies with songs. What? I'm aware that the songs aren't actually written about me. Whatever. Shut up. I'm 16 on the inside!)

Lyrics:

It's so easy, to forget that I'm lost
Spent all of my life
Waiting for answers
To lift me, to numb me, to define it all

So. A year ago, everything in my life changed. It's funny because I've moved almost more times than I can count, usually to and from Calgary so I learned really early on that you can never go home again. And yet, I never really expected that when I returned home from Ontario, everything would be different. Maybe that's because being away for school never felt permanent. Last year was a year of being in transition. And this year has been a year of being lost.

I think everyone feels that way when they finish university. A little. I hope.

But - I'm 24 and I have no idea who I am. I'm starting to think that I never did, I just knew what other people told me I was. There are some things I'm sort of good at, sometimes I feel sort of pretty, sometimes I feel like I'm almost good enough but there is absolutely nothing I'm great at, so what am I supposed to do? Maybe art has lied to me and there's actually no one who actually knows what they're meant to do, but I don't think I believe that. I know so many people in so many different fields who know exactly what they are supposed to do and are able to continue taking two steps forward and only one step back. They're passionate about it or they're great at it or maybe both but even if it's not both, that's okay. And maybe they doubt themselves - who doesn't? - but they still have a path. I've gotten so good at recognizing this and faking it that you'd never even guess that I'm lost.

And the things that I've done to try to define myself over the past year are things that shouldn't. At least, I hope they don't. I'm hoping that something else will come along that I can choose to define me and give me self-worth. I don't think I'm the girl I've chosen to be, though I also don't know if I'm the girl I was before.

You know that line in Titanic where she says that she feels like she's screaming into a void and no one hears her or even notices? Damn, I love that movie.

~*~*~

Semi-relatedly, I wish I had more friends who lived in the area of Calgary I do. Sometimes I just want to go out and make poor life choices but when everyone lives so far away it's hard to do that on a whim. Le sigh. Volunteers??

And, in lieu of poor life choices, I think I'm going to take myself for a freaking walk, yo!

Stratford 2011

2011-06-29T23:34:00.003-06:00

So... it's been a year since I wrote in here. Eh. It's been a complicated year. No time for blabbering on the interwebz.

However! I just read my entry from just after the 2011 season at Stratford was announced. I had forgotten all about this entry. There were several shows I was terribly terribly excited about - namely, Paul in Jesus Christ Superstar, Stephen Ouimette back on stage in the festival (in The Homecoming) and Seana McKenna as Richard III.

Without remembering my previous entry at all, those were the shows that Claire and I booked tickets to for our trip on Ontario/Stratford during September Long.

I know myself so very very well......

Reasons Why I Can Handle Living At Home

2010-09-09T20:55:00.004-06:00

Also, I got off rehearsal... I mean... not rehearsal... I mean, shit, this is hard... early and need to wind down before I go to sleep since I work at stupid o clock tomorrow. (Also known as 5:30 am. FIVE THIRTY IN THE MORNING. Disgusting.)

Anyway. Sometimes my family amuses me. And something I used to like to do when I kept paper journals in The Bad Time was record conversations that amused me so that I could read them later and re-amuse myself even if it didn't amuse anyone else. Soooo... I'm going to be selfish and do that now. Whatever. It's my blog.

~*~

Me: (carrying on a conversation with a guy) blahblahblah

Kevin: (popping up beside me) Plan?

Me: What?

Kevin: PLAN?

Me. Oh. No. No plan.

(fastforward to walking out of the restaurant)

Kevin: Just so you know, I will ALWAYS say plan.

Me: Always?

Kevin: Always when you talk to a guy. You'll be in Ontario, talking with men, and your phone will ring and it will be me saying "Plaaaaan?"

Me: Awesome. My own personal stalker.

~*~

Me: (driving the car) Oh lame, I left my sunglasses in my purse! (reaches over and grabs sunglasses out of centre console)

Kevin: You just put on sunglasses.

Me: I don't like these ones as much.

Kevin: So? It's not like anyone is going to see you. You won't meet your true love at a stoplight.

~*~

Me: Mom! Don't eat all of my fries AND be on my computer! You are not me! (takes a sip of my Diet Coke)

Mom: Hrmph. (gets off computer) Bryan, bring me a caffeine-free Diet Coke. Since Erin drank all of mine.

Me: You are not me! You are not me!

~*~

Kevin: Okay, let me break this down. If Myla isn't here, Erin's in charge. If Erin's not here, Nelize is in charge. If Nelize isn't here, Meg is in charge. If Meg's not here, the kids are in charge.

Me: What about you?

Kevin: I'm never in charge. NEVER.

~*~

Me: I'm just saying, at some point everyone has to move on with their life. And I'm starting to think... Dating [insert name here] is not moving on! I mean... would not be moving on. I mean... syntax is hard!

Mom: Maybe dating [insert name here] is a service station on the road to moving on?

Me: Wait. Am I the car or the highway in this metaphor?

~*~

Kevin: I looked through your garbage!

Me: Ew, why would you do that? That's really weird.

Kevin: I ALWAYS look through your GARBAGE!

Me: Um...

Kevin: Oh yeah, these are lines from my play.

~*~

And for good measure, you all should know that I keep getting molested by a chair. That is all.

I work in less than 8 hours. I must get my butt into bed.

Weekend Roundup

2010-07-11T21:06:00.003-06:00

... "Weekend Roundup"? Really? That's what I choose to call this? What am I, a cowboy?

Well... sure. Why not? It is the Stampede after all and I choose to embrace it for what it is. And those of you who don't? You're boring and lame. Any event that gets Starbucks to change its dress code for over a week is a-okay with me.

That said, though I enjoyed some delicious free pancakes this morning, there was no Stampeding for me this weekend. Perhaps next weekend I'll enjoy some delicious unnecessarily deep-fried foodstuffs, buy some sort of hat and check out a sensationally overwhelming grandstand show. And, besides, what I did this weekend was equally awesome.

Friday night was my dear friend Jessica's birthday, which manifested in spending some time with friends I see often, friends I haven't seen in a long time, and people I didn't know while enjoying some delicious Indian-for-white-people at Mango Shiva on Stephen Ave. It's probably one of the closest things to a hole in the wall the very trendy Stephen Ave has (me, Claire and her boyfriend, and Jamie all got lost trying to find it) but the inside is very lovely. We sat at the back at an amazingly Medieval Times-esque giant table and I consumed some delicious, if spicy, prawns with coconut lime curry and various sides. For the record, there is no efficient way to remove the tail from prawns without splashing yourself in the face with curry. Sigh. After dinner and drinks finally wound down around 11:20 (just before the fireworks) most people journeyed off somewhere else for drinks but I was pretty wiped from teaching all week... so I did the only logical thing and called my mom to come pick me up. Mmmm, grown-up!

And also indicative of things to come. My mama's birthday is July 15th (which, unfortunately, is our first performance day at camp this year, so I will be out all night) and as a pre-celebration she and I headed up to Edmonton overnight. We did a little shopping at West Ed - she wanted brown flipflops and I wanted a new bra and so, of course, I ended up buying a perfume diffuser, a braid headband, a giant hat, the Rock of Ages OBCR and A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to the Forum on DVD while she bought Into the Woods on DVD. It's good to have a plan.

After being shopped out, we dropped our things off at our hotel, took a power nap, swung by Sunterra for cheese and salad, and headed out to check out Freewill Player's Production of Macbeth. To be completely honest, I didn't have high expectations. We had seens a thoroughly awful musical version of Two Gentlemen of Verona written by the people who wrote Hair two years back. Performances were, mostly, good but other than that absolutely nothing was good about the production. Maybe the script was just horrible? It was hard to say.

Either way, they rocked Macbeth. Very impressive. The show was set in Eastern Europe during the Cold War so there was a lot of very haunting violin music, beautiful costumes for Lady M and a starkly transformative set. The set was actually the same one as was used for Two Gents back in the day, give or take a few basic elements, as is typical for outdoor theatre but it worked much better for this production. The Scotsman and Lady M were both very strong and well-matched and the supporting cast did not let them down - though I am still partial to Haysam Kadri's portrayal of MacDuff. I'm always intruiged by alternate depictions of the Witches because after playing the Ghost in Hamlet, I think I could play a great Witch in the right production one day, and these ones were young and twisty (they were all double-cast in Much Ado About Nothing) and very involved in the entire story, watching over much of the action and bringing Banquo back to half-life in order to be an apparition. My only complaints were that the Witches swung too sexy for my taste at times... and I hate that the actors were all miked. Speaking through a microphone always sounds mechanical and I can't help but cringe.

Even so, I would highly recommend the show. It only runs until July 25, but ya'll should definitely try to truck it up to Edmonton before it closes.

Oh yeah. I also bought a Coach bag. Decently sized and I only spent $120. No big.

OwiePants.

2010-07-02T22:22:00.002-06:00

Today was arguably my last day off of the summer - camp starts on Monday so I'll be consistently thinking about it over my next eight weekends and this weekend I've got some family commitments to honour in Pigeon Lake, Alberta. So what did I spend my last day off doing?

Soaking my fingertips in acetone to get my gel nails off with minimal damage to my natural nails underneath. I started at about 1 pm and, minus a 40 minute jaunt to Community Natural Foods to pick up some sunflower seed butter so I can enjoy some favourites at camp without endangering tiny children's lives, I did it straight through until about 9:30 pm.

Yes. Eight and a half hours. Don't believe anyone who tries to tell you that at home removal is an easy option. The only bonus is that they didn't get pried off and take layers of my real nail with them.

Somehow I'm not all dried out but I'm not looking to repeat this process in the future. My nail biting habit better have gotten conquered during the time they were on.

Theatre Thursday: Stratford's 2011 Season

2010-07-01T21:56:00.002-06:00

Today is both Theatre Thursday and Canada Day and in honour of the day, I've decided to discuss something dear to me... Canadian Theatre. Specifically this. (And also, to take a break from my laundry doing and resting my energy for camp... gosh, my life is exciting.)

If you follow the link, you will discover the very exciting Stratford 2011 season. Paul Nolan and Chilina Kennedy are back together doing Jesus Christ Superstar. (Paul was in the show I worked on during my alternate practicum at Stratford and he was so incredibly kind to me - I think he was the first person to introduce himself to me - that I am naturally excited for his success.) Stephen Ouimette (he played Oliver in Slings and Arrows, for those of you who don't obssess over Stratford as I do) is back on the stage. Tom Rooney has a couple tour de force roles again, including Malvolio and Brian Dennehy, who I have actually never seen onstage or in a filmed version of anything onstage, is quite definitely going to rock it as Sir Toby Belch.

But most importantly, and even dearer to my heart than Paul's casting, Seana McKenna is playing Richard III.

Yes. She is playing the hunchback himself. And there is not a more intelligent, instinctual actress out there, it makes perfect sense.

I've been thinking long and hard about this since Stratford emailed me their season two days ago and I have decided that I am a fan of the gender-bent casting. On some level, with my Hamlet Senior playing experience, I would probably be a hypocrite if I weren't a fan. But then that was a university show and this is Stratford.

But I believe in the decision. Seana McKenna is smart and intidimating and is always so on-point, why shouldn't she deserve a tour de force role of her own? Something where, arguably, it does all revolve around her?

Simply put, these roles don't exist in the Shakespearean canon, which Stratford is about. I guess the closest you get is Lady M... but then would you say that the show doesn't revolve around Maccers? Of course not.

Marti Maraden is of the firm belief that Shakespeare loved women - look at the strength and the variety and the range he gave the females he wrote, even if some argue that they play supporting roles - and that he would have written so much more for them if he had female actors. But he didn't. He only had a few young boys who could play women and so he worked with what he had. The Festival is now doing pretty much the same thing, aren't they? There are only 39 plays to work with. (I'm not yet counting Double Falsehood... and anyway, isn't it not long enough?)

So I approve.

And I'm excited. If I don't end up out there for life next year, I'll have to make a trip out to see several of the shows.

Now I just wonder what they're doing with the genders of the rest of the characters in RIII?

Blogging Failure

2010-06-29T21:18:00.004-06:00

Can we even talk about how long it has been since I wrote an entry? Gross.

I could make the argument that I've been busy living life, having theatre company meetings, prepping for auditions, obsessing about classical theatre, taking last minute trips to Kimberley BC with my mom, reading somewhat disquieting opinion pieces, planning a trip to Ontario with my dear friend... all of which is true. But how long, really does it take to write a blog post?

Not long. That's how long.

For all my obsession about classical theatre, I haven't even reflected on my time in Stratford yet!

I think I don't much like my layout. I want one that has a longer text area so that my entries don't require so much scrolling to read (it makes me leery to post anything remotely insightful or in decent length paragraphs) and that reflects me a bit more. Perhaps I could use a picture of my own. Maybe a picture from Stratford. I obviously need to learn how to website design or get someone to develop a layout for me or something and that will make me want to write more.

I also bought a paper journal today. It is beautiful and purple. My brother told me that it looked like it would taste delicious if it were food. I miss writing all the time... but having a paper journal also gives me serious PTSD as I recall being 15 and what "diaries" stood for and were used for at the time. So hopefully it being lovely will make me want to write in that as well.

Also, my dog sprained his elbow. It is just as sad and annoying as you would think it would be. The dumbo won't let us ice his elbow so it is not healing as fast as it should.

Real, good thoughts to come soon.

Song Lyric Sunday: Kiss On Me

2010-06-13T22:53:00.005-06:00

First of all, my apologies for missing Theatre Thursday this week. On one hand, my personal life got in the way in more than one manner and, ultimately, tonight is the first night I've made it home before midnight. So, reaaaaally... even if I had written my Theatre Thursday post about my Thursday theatre, it wouldn't have been posted on Thursday anyway because I wouldn't have been home until Friday. Morning. Or I'm making excuses. Or something.

Suffice it to say, the theatre that I've seen this week being put on by who I consider my peers has been really incredibly inspirational. When I told my assistant director friend in Stratford that I had decided to go into theatre and I would be spending the next year hoping to work in Calgary and building up experience, he was so excited for me and this week has been amazingly indicative as to why. Ignite, Mob Hit, theatre basement... you make me proud to be a young actress in this city and overwhelmed with excitement that I'm getting in at this point. You don't realize how good you have it until you're looking at it from the outside.

And now? On to Song Lyric Sunday!

~*~*~

You whispered to me, I'd be stupid not to follow
Where you'd be taking me tonight until tomorrow
I make predictions from the gifts my dreams have given
And never once have they lied

So, don't you worry who you're kissin on at midnight
The way I see it I've got you and I both covered
The world's to bed and you and I instead
Will secretly enjoy our time
So kiss on me tonight
~ "Kiss On Me", Tyler Hilton

If I haven't mentioned it before, I really love Tyler Hilton. To the point that I refer to him as my fictional future husband. Not because he is fictional, of course. Unless I have been elaborately tricked by Twitter and his one-time retweeting of me, he is very much real. Indeed, it is our romantic relationship and subsequent marriage that is in fact fictional. Alas. What can I say, I'm a sucker and a half for tall, lanky guys.

Either way, this song and these lyrics make me giggle. When I listen to my iPod while driving, and my brother can attest to this, I am notoriously vicious when it comes to the shuffle. I will skip over upwards of 40 songs that the iPod offers to me, listen to one and lather, rinse, repeat. But I never skip over Tyler and especially this song.

Mr. Hilton's music reminds me of when you date a musician and he makes up songs for you. Not when he is awkwardly plucking out chords on his guitar and making up songs off the cuff - which can be either hilarious, sweet or awkward based on the amount of eye contact and how much you're expected to interact with the whole made-up song process - but when there has been actual thought and practice going on and he busts it out during a gig with a subtle reference to you.

I haven't actually formally dated a guitar player. But this is what I imagine it would be like.

And isn't it all sorts of sensual-romantic!?

A Month In

2010-06-09T16:24:00.002-06:00

Technically, I haven't quite been "home" (aka, back in Calgary) for a complete month. But tomorrow is Theatre Thursday and since I'm actually going to see theatre both tonight and tomorrow night, I may actually have on-topic things to write about. Also, I should be getting ready to go volunteer FoH tonight which means there is really nothing better to be doing other than take stock of where my life is at a month in. Because, well, it's cold in my room where my getting ready things are.

~ I'm either really enjoying going to the gym or I've successfully convinced myself that it is baaaaad if I don't go. Either way, I feel guilty if I miss a day and I don't want to die when I walk down to the changeroom anymore, so these are good things. The whole having a personal trainer thing really helped, I feel like I'm using my time to the utmost when I'm there which makes it worthwhile in my books.
There are many things I wonder about, though. Like chewing gum while lifting weights. And why I very rarely see other young women around the weights with me. And if the recumberant bike is lazier than the upright bike. Maybe I should do a post about all of my gym-time musings.

~ Nothing is better at the end of an expensive day than walking into the house and finding a cheque tucked into your laptop. It's been a long time since I've been able to do paid work - living somewhere different every month doesn't lead itself well to being able to be gainfully employed - so even though it was a one-off, it was still incredibly satisfying. Not to mention, any time I can get paid for theatre work, it's thrilling. Paid theatre work is still a rarity for me since, really, my career is starting right this second so I still get giddy over a $70 cheque.

~ In sad news, I had really hoped to do youth theatre residencies over the next year. Unfortunately, the company I had hoped to work with is full in terms of instructors at this point, so I may look into temping or return to the railway training idea. Returning to Calgary too late to do what I want has been an on-going theme for me over the past month - I missed a lot of auditions, this residency thing, my entrance to the OCT came in too late to be useful in teaching full-time next year - and while I do understand that this is what happens when you change your life goals midstream, it's still a little bit disheartening. However, this is what I've chosen and I'm trying to look at the bright side. Like that $70 cheque. Or the fact that I do have one show lined up. Or that I had a classical theatre audition go really well (keeping in mind that really well doesn't always mean booking a show at this juncture) - which is promising when you remember that classical theatre is what I want to do.

~ Things always come up throughout the year. I just need to keep my eyes open and my head up and my skills always sharpening and things will work out the way they are meant to.

~ I wish it would stop storming. It is making it really difficult to reclaim the adorable summer clothes I found in my closet. And it makes me depressed to stare at grey sky on my "work from home" days. There is no inspiration to do lesson plans there!

~ I only admitted this outloud - which means for real - last night and I'm hoping now that might mean I can begin to work past it. I should be more upset over what's over. But instead, I'm more upset over what I can never have. This means... I'm not sure what it means.

It means I should go downstairs and wrangle my hair into something vaguely attractive. Or appropriate for greeting public and handing out programs, at the very least.

Theatre Thursday: Physical Gags of Awesome

2010-06-03T21:52:00.002-06:00

In my ongoing search of giving myself writing prompts for different days of the week (and, yes, I know I missed Song Lyric Sunday, but give me a break! I was sore from my personal trainer and that appparently affected my typing!) I have officially labelled Thursday as "Theatre Thursday".

You may ask, "Why pick Thursday and not Tuesday? They both start with the same letter!". If you ask this, you are a little overly obsessed with my decision making process. However, I will answer anyway because I appreciate people being obsessed with me... only to the non-creepy point, of course. Is there non-creepy obsession? Erhm... non-sequitar and a half there. Anyway. I picked Thursday to be "Theatre Thursday" because Thursday is the day that my mom and I have our theatre subscriptions for. It means that we always get to go to Vertigo Theatre opening nights. It is an ideal state of being.

Right now, I don't have too much theatre going on in my life. Next week, there will be tons what with Ignite! and Mob Hit's As You Like It opening next week - all of which I will be expected to attend as a Calgary theatre artist and future Classical actress. Also, I'm helping workshop a show with APN today and tomorrow which is so much fun, but I feel it would be less than prudent to comment on the process. It's not my story to tell, you know?

So, instead? I will talk about the best sight gag I've ever seen!

I am horrendous at physical gags. Not doing them - tell me what to do and I'll perform it with aplomb. But thinking of them. It is not my forte. You know how some people can walk into an audition, get a cold read, spend a little time with it and come up with some amazing gag that has everyone else auditioning in stitches? ... Not really me. I'll stick with my vocal work and unhilarious physical offers.

However, being horrendous at it doesn't mean I don't enjoy a good physical sight gag. And the very best one I've ever seen? Came in a Pumphouse DDC show last summer. Where I watched a fourteen year old playing Nemesis smack Starbucks cups out of the hands of ten different characters in a row. It never stopped being funny.

This either says something about the quality of theatre being put out by teens... or it says something about my taste in theatre.

Hmmm.

Song Lyric Sunday: Chips Ahoy

2010-05-23T14:03:00.004-06:00

What is "Song Lyric Sunday", you ask? It is the day where I embrace my inner seventeen year old and discuss how song lyrics that someone else wrote relate to my life. Or have some sort of resonance with me. Whatever, you know you all do it too. You just don't post it on the interwebz for all to read.

~*~*~

For my first Song Lyric Sunday,I thought I would get the one that makes me sound vaguely full of myself out of the way to start. Now I can do nothing but redeem myself during future weeks. So, without further ado, I give you some lyrics from The Hold Steady's Chips Ahoy:

She's hard on the heart
and she's soft to the touch

The song itself is about drugs and horse gambling and about how tons of money doesn't automatically equal no problems - which are all things I can't relate to. But recently someone told me I had really soft skin and that person was not the first and so those lyrics popped out.

Since I was sixteen-and-a-half, I've barely been single if you really think about it. Two months here and there... I think the longest was probably that three month stint during first year. I'm a serious serial monogamist, I guess, what can I say? It's not so bad.

However, it seems like every time I'm single and ready to move into a new relationship I've got multiple suitors at once. I can think of five seperate times its happened that I've been aware of. When I was younger, to be honest, it was always a case of who got there first. I was so amazed and pleased that someone liked me, I would go with the first guy who made a move. And that served me well, I think. I definitely learned from it. I got a little bit more self-aware as I got older and started to realize who I really did want and held out for them. Awkwardly. I really did deal with it awkwardly. I'm sure I still do. I was in a relationship for a long time, I didn't learn coping skills! Anyway. All of this multiple boy nonsense makes me connect the "hard on the heart" bit to myself. And if that seems self-absorbed... I think it's something I need right now and I'm not going to apologize for it.

Often, one comes out of a relationship certain that no one will ever like them again. Definitely not as much as they were just liked. And they will definitely never like anyone else as much as they liked that one person. It's a sad place to be. This time around, I don't seem to be falling into that place. There's a lot more time in my life and there are a lot more people that I don't know yet.

And on that note? I'm pretty sure those above lyrics actually relate to all girls, some just don't see it. But I'm pretty sure we're all soft to the touch and hard on the heart.

Things I've Learned Over the Past Week

2010-05-16T17:50:00.003-06:00

~ I can be very busy if I elect to be, even while unemployed. This involves being somewhat more assertive than I am used to being and it carries with it, still, a secret fear of rejection, but I'm working on that all the time. There hasn't been any rejection thus far so that's something to keep in mind. That said... being very busy while unemployed is less than ideal financially. Ah well, I have all year for making money!

~ I need to find some means of sustaining body heat, so that I can sit outside in the sun and wind without getting goosebumps. Otherwise, I will definitely have legs white enough to frighten small children come summer. And sooner or later it will definitely be skirt weather so the legs are going to get revealed.

~ The gym is fun! I cannot wait to have my own workout routine rather than piggybacking off my brother's. My brother's has far too many arm exercises for me and I'm pretty sure I need more that work my legs. Hopefully the personal trainer calls soon!

~ I actually do like Love's Labours Lost. I was convinced I did not and it was, in fact, my least favourite Shakespearean show. I had seen one production of it. There were some outside factors against it - I was 16, my mom had super-serious bronchitus as we watched it, we were moving pretty soon afterwards, there was romantic drama-rama surrounding it - but I just thought the girls were mean and nasty and it was difficult to form any sort of attachment with them. Recently, I met someone who loved the play. Someone who I deeply respect theatrically. Someone who was possibly biased in their view of the play, but there must have been value in there anyway. This inspired me to give the play a second chance and - amazing! - as soon as I came home, there was a production happening here.
Yeah. It was definitely just the production the last time around.

~ Retail therapy is the most efficient kind of therapy. I walked out of it with some really wonderful purple boots and I don't even care if they're insanely trendy - I like them! (Unfortunately, they are no longer on Sterling's website so I cannot show a photo of them. So lame.)

~ It is my own fault that my feelings are hurt. It is not because of You. You didn't say anything that I didn't already know but hearing it outloud (... well, reading it on my phone, if we're going to be completely accurate) hurt my pride. I knew better than to engage any feelings and it was probably a mistake from the beginning - though I don't regret it - so it's really my own fault. So that's the end of that.
And, as with the The Hold Steady lyrics, there are very few people who know what I'm referring to. This is okay, I would like to keep it that way. But sometimes you just need to excise things from your brain in a vague way.

~ There are attractive men who are not actors. Thanks for informing me of that, Mom!

That's all I have for now. Life marches apace.

Goodbyes?

2010-05-11T08:38:00.003-06:00

I'm officially back in the closest thing I have to a hometown, sitting on my parents' couch with no job or money. Yet. However, it is not yet 9 am and I have been up for a significant amount of time and I'm sure that this is a sign that my go-to-it-ness will be paying off sooner rather than later!

Or something. Sigh. I just want to do plays. But I suppose food and shelter is important too, so something better fall into place. Like that reference letter I'm waiting for arriving in the mail.

Anyway. I've been thinking about goodbyes and the fact that I'm not sure I really gave anywhere a proper goodbye while flying out of Ontario. Every time I've left a place so far this year - and I've left a lot, living in a different place each month - I've been coming back. Even with Stratford, there was still a coming back. Sure, I packed up my car and locked up apartments/houses/bedrooms behind me each time... but there was still a sense that I would return. Maybe it hasn't fully sunk in yet.

I'm not very good at letting things go. For someone who moved as much as I did, I should be better. But I think things over, replay conversations in my head to figure out what I should have said differently, contact people probably after I should. I'm sure this isn't unique to me and everyone does it. Though. If there's anyone out there who is able to have an experience and just move on, I'd love to know how you do it. Which sounds abundantly sarcasm in print, but I actually mean earnestly and wholeheartedly.

The Hold Steady

2010-05-09T20:12:00.002-06:00

Most of the time, I agree with Family Guy. Quoting other people's lyrics to make yourself sound deep/communicate your emotions is for teenagers. But sometimes you're driving through Christmas, Michigan and something on a new CD just pops up and smacks you across the face. And, hey, I just got mistaken for a high school student on Friday, so maybe that's the universe giving me permission to laspe just this once.

So if it has to be a secret.
Then I guess that I can deal with it.
God only knows it's not always a positive thing.
To see a few seconds into the future.

And if you swear to keep it decent, then yeah, I'll come and see you
But it's not going to be like in romantic comedies.
In the end, I bet no one learns a lesson.
~ "The Weekenders", The Hold Steady

Some people might understand why there was resonance in these lyrics more than others do. I don't care to be explicit about it, it's not my story to be explicit about. Not solely, anyway.

The progression of truth is interesting to me. How we change how we tell stories based on our audience, what they'll appreciate, what they can handle... how we want them to view us.

For instance. I had an experience the other day - not one I am ashamed of by any means, one that was private and lovely. I told my mom (who I've been vacationing with for the past week, until she flew home yesterday and my dad flew out to drive me home) some of it, but not all of it by any means. The version my dad recieved? Even further simplified. The version I have told the friends I've spoken to since then has been more open in some ways, but still not the full story. I guess the full story is only mine.

So where does the truth exist? What is the truth? Are there different truths for different people? Or perceptions?

Changes Ahead

2010-05-08T20:01:00.003-06:00

Well, first? It has been far to long since I've updated this blog. Life took me by the shoulders and there was no time for Shallow Thoughts. Maybe I am no longer interested in shallowness - or I don't equate pretty things with shallowness anymore, more so as an escape.

Anyway, I am entering a time of flux, a time of change and I think I need somewhere to communicate the thoughts or fear that go along with it. So this blog is going to change to reflect that. Be prepared. Be interested. I'm sure I'll still gush about gorgeous shoes but... there'll be more.

What on earth am I doing?

Spring Is In The Air!

2010-02-03T20:20:00.002-07:00

Or in the mall, at least.

I know I shouldn't complain. It's been a very good winter to me, I've only had to drive in the snow with no snowtires once, I've worn my proper winter jacket (as opposed to my furry hooded Forever 21 one, which looks like it was made for sixteen year olds) only a handful of times... and yet my always cold-body still hungers for spring. Because after spring comes summer.

So you can imagine how excited I was when I walked into the mall this weekend and saw that stores are beginning to slowly sneak out some of their spring colours. Garage Clothing, in particular, is rolling out some gorgeous pastels for their plain v-neck tees. I know Garage is for teenagers, but I love them for the long body-length of their basic tops and I love a range of pretty colours for my tees and tanks. I am so glad that we are getting back to true (if muted) pastels, as opposed to the really dusky ones from a few years ago.

Abandonment!

2010-02-02T22:30:00.003-07:00

I am absolutely terrible and proceeded to ignore my poor blog all weekend as I wandered the mall to look at beautiful things I couldn't afford and watched my terrifically talented friend play in a coffee house. Oh, and blasted through the rest of OTH S6. (I still get the events of S5 and S6 confused, by the way... is that a reflection on me or the storytelling?)

However, I am restarting the epic quest to stop biting my nails. The best way to do this is to paint them - I am one of those who bite my nails in a quest to "even them out" and "fix them"... then it all goes downhill. So I have been reinvesting in nail polish and my new obssession is Unplugged by China Glaze.

The blob on the China Glaze site doesn't do this gorgeous sparkly bronze-brown colour justice at all, so I am going to link you to a swatch by the amazing Michelle to really take in this colour fully.

I will warn you though: you will be drawn in by All Lacquered Up and her beautiful swatches and perfect nails. I have been reading the blog obssessively all weekend (between all of my other very exciting events, obvs)!

Disney Alice In Wonderland Palette

2010-01-28T18:45:00.003-07:00

Can we please talk about how badly I want this?

Yes, I know, only yesterday I was bragging up about how I don't buy movie tie-in makeup. And, yes, I know that these are only traditional Urban Decay shadow shades renamed with clever Wonderland names. And, yes, I just ordered Glam Princess and definitely can't afford a $60 eyeshadow palette.

But there are UD eyeshadow shades in it that I don't have. And its so cute. And a girl can never have too many primer potions, even if they are sample sized. And, honestly, it's really kind of cute. (Even though I have no plans to see the movie.)

I'm thinking if the Sephora back home still has the palette when I'm back in March, then I know I was meant to have it.

Don't Worry!

2010-01-28T18:24:00.003-07:00

Joe Jonas has confirmed that The Jonas Brothers are not breaking up! My mind is completely set at easy.

Really, People Magazine? Really!?

Twilight Luna

2010-01-27T20:49:00.004-07:00

I'm not a girl to buy celeb/movie tie-in makeup. I didn't buy the Max Factor Titanic inspired nail polishes, I didn't get the L'oreal lipsticks with the signatures on them, I doubt I'll pick up the OPI Alice In Wonderland polishes.

But when I saw this for $5.99 (down from $30) at Shoppers today, I just could not resist:

I really wanted the Bella palette which is all buffs and neutrals (my go to for daytime looks) but, alas, it was not to be mine. Much like the role of Bella in the movie.

The Victoria palette will certainly do, though. The lipglosses are much more subtle than they look, more of a stain, and I will probably wear them - though glosses in palettes always annoy me because they are just so inconvenient. The blush is too sparkly for day but gives a good winter-night flush and I'll be able to work with the eyeshadows for night too.

And anyway. $5.99 for endless Twilight related hilarity. It'll do, it'll do.

What's Underneath The Clothes, Brooke Davis?

2010-01-27T18:29:00.004-07:00

I love One Tree Hill, no ifs, ands or buts about it. It can be insane, I occasionally find myself thinking "this is a terrible episode" and yet some music (or Chris Keller) always comes along and redeems the show. Or they do a really fascinating episode that plays with the television medium in a suprisingly effective way and I'm drawn back in. For the music (and fabulous episodes like "With Tired Eyes, Tired Minds, Tired Souls, We Slept" or "Pictures of You"), I put up with ghosts, crazy Nanny Carrie, terrible 1940s episodes and a distinct lack of Naley sexiness.

Well, all that and Brooke Davis. I could spend an awful lot of words pontificating on Brooke's journey from slutty nasty cheerleader to world-renowned-fashion designer confronting-her-attacker strong woman, but let's save that for another day. That being said, I'm watching through Season Six on dvd right now and how glad am I that Brooke saved herself from Jack's brother rather than Julian saving her?

Anyway. A big part of Season Five was Owen's quip: "What's underneath the clothes, Brooke Davis?". And I had my very own "What's underneath the clothes, Brooke Davis?" moment at a Haiti fundraiser last Thursday night. Being not a fashion designer but an actress, however, my version was "This is the first time that I've seen you not putting on a performance, Erin {Artistic Mind}."

I don't think we'll be following the rest of the season arc, though, so don't expect me to show up naked in the backseat of his car any time soon.

Biography

2010-01-26T19:52:00.002-07:00

I'm an actress who hates the word "artist" but finds myself using it on a daily basis for lack of a better term. I just loathe all of the pretension and expectation that comes with this term. I love being called an "actress" and don't care if its not PC. All I know is I want to spend my life telling stories. Acclaim is a nice sideline.

I'm the type of girl that girls take a long time to warmup to. I will gladly spend a hundred dollars on boots when I only have a hundred and eighty dollars for food for the rest of the month. I have spent enough money at Sephora over the past year to be a VIB. Diet Coke is my ambrosia. I'm trendy but not slavish. I'm asthmatic but love to dance. I love brain candy entertainment that I should have grown out of long ago but I also lose my shit over Neil Labute. I idolize strong women, but my definition ranges to include Meryl Streep, Jodie Foster, Sophia Bush, Karen Kain and Marti Maraden.

I feel an overwhelming urge in my daily life to appear sensible, personable, artsy and creative. This blog is a chance to get out my shallow, consumer-esque thoughts. Sometimes you just need to revel in being a twenty-something girl.

And I love comments.